FEATURED REVIEW................................................14 FEBRUARY 2005
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Artist:
RONNY ELLIOTT |
Happy Valentine's Day.
When Ronny Elliott's latest arrived, I was elated: Valentine Roadkill sounded like the perfect antidote to the Hallmark Holiday. The whole first half of February has been co-opted by a greeting card company. (And DeBeers, the chocolatiers, and florists.) It is absolutely ridiculous. A person can't watch five minutes of television without seeing a half-dozen commercials extolling the supposed virtues of matrimony, that peculiar institution. Good God. Doesn't the Bush administration already provide us with our recommended daily allowance of propaganda? (Those bloody diamond commercials are the worst. They send me alternating between fits of nausea and apoplexy. How can people buy that shit?) Everywhere I turn, it seems, vacuous half-wits are prattling on about "soul mates" and "true love"--I'm sick to death of the whole syrupy mess. At this point, I'm more than ready to tuck into some Roadkill.
Unfortunately, however, Mr. Elliott's latest is a bit hard to swallow. The Cheezeball Manifesto currently enumerates twelve actionable offenses. Valentine Roadkill not only violates seven of the twelve mandates, but makes a persuasive argument for adding a few new categories to the list as well.
Mr. Elliott's seven deadly sins:
1. Gratuitous back-up singers lend a warble in "Hope Fades," "You Already Did," "Do Angels Ever Dream They're Falling," "Lottie," "No More War," "Walk to the End of the World," and "War-Scarred Horses."
2. Horns make inappropriate appearances in "Valentino's Dream," "The Blue Girl Says Yes," and "Lottie."
3. The final track, "Third Coming," violates our policy on drum machines by mixing an ill-advised drum-and-synth track with an otherwise entertaining monologue on how Christians disgust Jesus.
4. The love songs on the album are way too earnest. Here's a sampling from "Walk to the End of the World":
"I can't
stand the heat of passion's fire,
The flame that you hold to me.
Yeah, but I can't let go of what you got,
With the chains that you got on me.
And I would walk to the end of the world for you,
Walk anywhere that you wanted me to,
Walk to the end of the world, baby, for you."
I think I'm going to be sick. (After this particular song ends, a woman in the studio can be heard saying, "We are so good at this." At what, pray tell--cheeze?)
5. The album contains a preponderance of Bible brandishing. "No More War" is particulary problematic. It begins with the lines "If the Christian nations were the nations of Christians / We would have no more war" and ends with a selection of Bible verses.
6. The album is shot through with angels. In addition to "Do Angels Ever Dream They're Falling," our fine feathered friends make notable appearances in "The Blue Girl Says Yes" and "Lottie."
7. Unnecessary echo effects mar "You Already Did," "Do Angels Ever Dream They're Falling," "Mr. Edison's Electric Chair," and "No More War."
In addition to the aforementioned flaws, the album presents a case for adding "military drumrolls" and "earnest protest songs" to the cheeze list. Moreover, Mr. Elliott drops more than a few king-sized lyrical clunkers along the way. Why he went and ruined the otherwise well-crafted "Hope Fades" with the inane refrain "Rock-n-roll hearts beat in 4/4 time," we will never know.
Despite all the cheeze, the album actually warrants a couple of spins. Mr. Elliott's wizened snarl is a delight, as are a number of his better-wought couplets. On "Mr. Edison's Electric Chair" and "Powder and Lead" he seems to channel the ghost of Johnny Cash. Elsewhere, political commentary and Nietzsche references are well appreciated.
In summation: Worth a listen, but chock full of cheeze. For violating 7 of 12 cheezeball mandates (and then some) we're going to hit Mr. Elliott with four full cheezeballs.
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A NOTE ON THE RATING SYSTEM:
5 CHEEZEBALLS = UNLISTENABLE SCHLOCK
3 CHEEZEBALLS = A DIFFICULT SLOG
1 CHEEZEBALL = THE ODD FORGIVABLE MISSTEP
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